From about 13 years old up to about 18/19 I grew up a a fairly godless society. By that, I mean God didn’t play any significant role (if any) in influencing how I lead my life.
From about 18/19 to about 20/21, I was exposed to a habitat where Islam and Hinduism was more visual. Duing that time, I watched an almost 100 episode serialisation of the Hindu Maharabarat. The story was great and very interesting to me but really only from the point of view of ‘politics’ and ‘interpersonal relationships’ less so the religio philosophical part. I wasn’t really aware of the differences between Hinduism and Islam, but at 21 I was begining to passively come to know of those differences.
Then I left that habitat and went to a different ‘godless’ place. I was maturing and my self-destructing streak, ahtough still strongly present was beginning to lessen.
Throughout that time (13-21), amongst the small circles of friends i mingled in (some of the earlier ones prided themselves in believing they were somehow ‘different’ from the rest of society – often but not exclusively Goths/rockers/indy kind of friends) I felt a pressure to lose my virginity.
As a mature person now, looking back at it in an honest fashion, that pressure was mostly self-generated. I felt I had to show that I wasn’t such a bad person primarily from a physical perspective but also to a self-perception mental ‘this is me and what I have chosen to be’ perspective.
Most of the pressure wasn’t peer generated, but some of it was.
From being very young. about 10 years old, I had a few ‘scary’ moments when matters related to sex and sexual physiology were being discussed. Being in a group of friends the occasional question/statement loaded with ‘kids sex slang words’ came my wy. Sometimes I didn’t really know what they meant, or how to begin talking about it, having never discussed anything like that before. Result: they mildly ridiculed me, but at the time, it was terrible, like the whole world was laughing. I really didn’t like it. I was sensitive to ridicule.
Going back further, I remember sitting in school (about 6 years old) and the class was singing a song. There was a persons name in the song and it matched mine. Because of that connection, the song ‘became’ about me! The song was a kinf of ‘joke’ song, and I thought people were laughing at me. That experience set the groundwork for my sensitivity to riducule. So, when I faced ridicule due the ‘sexual discussion’ matters from older and more cruel peers, I felt quite bad.
This embarassing (leading to ridicule) ‘I don’t know’ (or stumbling to be able to talk about it properly – keading to ridicule) reply I gave, came up again later in life in my teenage years, quite rarely, yes, but they were moments I would dread..
So I had the “poor self confidence factor” as well as the questions of ‘could anyone love me / am I nice enough to be loved?‘, and to some degree ‘why can’t I have this apparently beautiful relationship with a beautiful girl that I can see other people have?‘ buzzing around in my head, as well as some peer pressure.
I really wanted to lose my virginity.
Now I’m old, I know the self-confidence and peer pressure thing should not have been an issue. However at the time, it very definately was. The desire to lose my virginity was a significant part of ‘growing up’ and so often I felt bad because of it.
A couple of years ago I watched a program about USan kids who took a pledge to uphold their virginity and wore a ring to symbolise and advertise that pledge. They were open about wanting to retain their virginity.
Why oh why oh why couldn’t I have been like that when I was young. Virginity was something I perceived as shameful and brought mild contempt upon me from a small number of my peers.
Now I realise one difference. It was that those USan kids were incorporating God via Christianity (don’t know which type) into their lives which gave them the strength of self belief and helped them avoid the personal turmoil I experienced, as well as lifting them to an admirable stance of morality absent from my life at the time.
I think those kids are fantastic.
When “teenager”, here was me previously and arrogantly thinking I, along with some friends, was somehow different from ‘normal society’, liberated from being ‘square’, better in some way. Yet I was deluding myself. I ridiculed my school mates for being ‘normal’ when here was me, thinking I should be ‘sleeping around’ too – doing hoping to do the thing that my culture was starting to become standard practice. How ‘different’ huh? Not only that, but when at school hypocritically cast out mild ridicule upon some of my classmates when I myself didn’t welcome such a thing. The nastiness I showed to my classmates is my responsibility It would be dishonest to blame someone/something else, but to step down the path I went along, was quite easy, partly fuelled by my own jealousy of those people whose lives were ‘normal’ when mine was not (partly, but not entirely by my own making).
As time passed I was getting older(durr!) and maturing so I was naturally changing anyway. The lack of self confidence, although still an issue, wasn’t allowed to affect me that much. I was unconsciously beginning to fit into ‘normal society’ but I did consciously decide to make some alterations in my life to cut out some of those things which were harming me.
This was when I was about 21. Over the next few years, in fits and starts, I began taking significant steps in my intellectual growth. Soon after I came across Islam which I started to learn about.
On reading a part of the Qur’an about Isa (Jesus) a.s. Qur’an I had the feeling this IS Divine Revelation and I read about the prophet Muhammad(saw). Eventually I concluded Islam is the wisdom to lead a successful life.
I am now very self-aware, very honest with myself, and highly self-confident. In part this is due to my analysis of my past life but also my religious belief. If only my eyes were opened from an internal and external perspective then my youth would not have been so wasted. But I am here today because of my past and I regards life now and in most cases the society and people around me as a beautiful gift. Alhamdulillahi rabbilallameen..
Why am I writing about all this? Because I saw something that had some similarities with my life, different parts of it are being played out by a mother and her handicapped son.
I shouldn’t be writing this now, I have FAR too much work to do, but I felt the need to write this, perhaps as a continuous process of self-healing, albeit effectively not needed and extinct, but also as an appeal to those facing the same issues to realise: it’s an illusion, there is an escape pod. This world is noting you don’t have to give up your virginity in what I’d call, perhaps unkindly, ‘a western’ fashion.
The story is here:
Mother wants sex for Down’s son at http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7948511.stm
When I have more time, I will comment about it as well as highlight and criticise the terrible stance of the mother. Also related to the issue, is the Dutch mother featuring in a post I made on my original lwtc247 blog in Oct 2007: http://lwtc247.blog.co.uk/2007/10/23/in_persuit_of_the_bhagwans_freedom~3180442/
Virginity is valuable and has been regarded as so for thousands of years among many societies and cultures. Maintaining virginity avoids much social unrest. Don’t let the godless society con you into losing that.