Here is da newz 6th May 2009


Quick peek behind da headlinez:

US beauty queen could lose title
– 20 times consecutive  Miss Oprah Winner, Oprah Winfrey, blames global warming for observed surgery droop.
UK man lands ‘world’s best job’
– ICC cautions new hangman: ‘Blair’s trial may still take some time’.

First US face transplant revealed
– Update: Oprahs desperate struggle to entertain pioneering technology. One-on-one self interview planned. Tears guaranteed.

Zombie computers ‘on the rise’
– NeoLabour expresses pride at it’s female parliamentarian record.

Russia expels Canadian diplomats
– After bears seen with suspicious tentative gait.

US ‘hate list’ DJ to sue Britain
– DJ unhappy at small Brit list compared to ‘much bigger’ US list.

Day in pictures
– Minus the bodies our propaganda covers up daily.

US Afghan strikes ‘killed dozens’
– but who gives a crap about that? – check out our Madonna special section instead.

‘Anaconda’ harnesses wave power
– Monsanto, anaconda genome patent holder, sees share price rise.
Saberi ends hunger strike in Iran
– Iranian guards testing ‘CIA theory’, unsurprised at results of offering a big mac and fries.


Quick peek behind da bidnez headlinez:

Fiat denies 18,000 job cuts plan
– Human resources head scotches roumers showing reporters its recent procurement of 30,000 Silvio Berlusconi carraige clocks instead, adding note praising China’s greater quality assurance standards these days.

Easyjet losses more than double
– New school leaver replacing seasoned Easyjet webmaster accused of forgetting to upload “hidden_charge_pyramid.c++”

GM details its restructuring plan
– New CEO to have ‘weep ‘n prostrate’ gene inserted while on private in-flight jet journey to congress next week.

Disney hit by box office flops.
– Calls for return to ‘subliminal sex ‘n satanism’ heard. “This overt stuff just aint good enough” says producer.

Lower oil price hits Total profit
– In other newz, Sarkosy to address nation tomorrow about growing threat to global peace posed by Iran. CAC 40 poised for 8% increase in oil futures.

Bernanke sees economic ‘turn up’
– Scientists reveal how LSD 30 years on still rots the affects the brain.

GMAC reports $675m quarterly loss
– Auditors annual bonus pulled.

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